Putting Failure In Perspective

My wife recently mentioned an article to me that she read about Paul Williams. Some of the older folks might remember him as the short little blond guy in “Smokey and The Bandit.” He is also the author of a lot of memorable songs such as “Old Fashioned Love Song, Rainy Days and Mondays,” and “We’ve Only Just Begun.” Now in his seventies, Williams was reminiscing about a 1974 movie he wrote the music for and starred in called “Phantom of The Paradise,” a rock and roll version of “The Phantom of The Opera.” Although nominated for an Oscar, the film was a box office flop in the U.S. and has since been relegated to “cult” film status…only true aficionados remember it. Williams says he chalked that one up as a career failure at the time.

Sometime later, while appearing at a concert in Mexico, Williams was approached by a teenage boy who had a copy of the movie soundtrack and asked him to autograph it. Williams had a short conversation with the teen and recalls signing the album but little else of the encounter.

It is now forty years since Williams did what he considered a flop. Imagine his surprise when he was asked to help write a musical based on a critically acclaimed movie directed by the same teen who grew up to be director Guillermo del Toro. Williams says he also has been working with other song writers and singers on other projects as a direct result of that “failure” of forty years ago.

Be careful what you consider to be your failures. Just because you don’t see immediate results from your efforts doesn’t mean something wasn’t a success. Forty years down the road what you did could turn out to be one of your greatest achievements. Some people refer to this as the “Butterfly Effect.” Something as insignificant as a butterfly flapping its wings can conceivably snowball into a hurricane given just the right sequence of events. Del Toro’s encounter with Paul Williams is one of the small events that eventually inspired him go on to become a world famous movie director.

What’s the spiritual point of all this? Don’t think that what you do for the Lord has no consequence. Even the smallest of efforts can produce monumental results given enough time. Remember what Jesus said about faith the size of a mustard seed. Don’t let what you consider to be failures in the present cause you to give up on things in the future. Get out there and do something for God, because you may inspire someone else to do even greater things.

A Major Prize

As some of you know, one of my hobbies is participating in Photoshop contests. Actually, I use Paintshop Pro, but it's essentially the same thing. Most of the contests I enter don't offer prizes except bragging rights if you happen to win. I tend to do well in those, I've been ranked among the All-Time Top 5 Photoshoppers on Fark.com for several years now.

Steve Jackson Games recently announced a contest requesting entrants to Photoshop one of their company mascots with a major celebrity. Since my wife is a big fan of Benedict Cumberbatch, I put their female mascot "Flower" on his arm and submitted it to the contest. Maybe fifteen minutes worth of work, but I thought I did a fairly decent job even though it was mostly cut & paste stuff. I promptly forgot all about the contest and moved on to other more important things.

A couple of weeks later I was surprised to receive an e-mail notifying that I had won the contest and please send them my mailing address so they could send me my prize. Woot! I sent them my address and forgot all about it again.

I was surprised once again this afternoon when I received a small box in my mail. Opening it up, I found a letter and a butt-load of packing peanuts. The letter again congratulated me on winning the contest and hinted that somewhere amongst those styrofoam curls was my prize.  Carefully dumping the box over the trash can, I discovered two small cards. One was a bonus card for one of their games (similar to Community Chest or Chance in Monopoly). Okay...well the only card game I play on a regular basis is rummy, so that's not much of a prize to me. The other card was labeled "Imaginary Friend" and had a plastic blister glued to the front of it...which was completely empty. Get it? Imaginary Friend? Invisible? Not really there? Oh, and the card was actually PERSONALLY SIGNED by somebody at the company. Well, it was more like a scribble...but the letter assures me that it's a signature.

Wow, I'm so honored to have won such valuable prizes! Thanks Steve Jackson Games of Austin, Texas! You really went all out on that contest!

My Photoshop

 

My Prizes

Update: My daughter informs me that these things are actually worth something and that I could probably unload them on eBay. There's a sucker born every minute.

Just a Short Note

Just got a call to schedule an appointment with the oncologist for my lung cancer, August 4th (3½ weeks away). So it's more waiting for me.  Meanwhile, I looked up the doctor's information online and found about what I expected. There were only about a half dozen patient reviews and they were pretty evenly split between disgruntled relatives whose loved one died and gave him the lowest possible rating versus patients who were cured that think he walks on water. About the only thing they did agree on is that 30 minutes in the waiting room is too long to wait.

So...that's about it on the health front. I've written a new article for the front page of this week's church bulletin, look for me to be posting it sometime on Saturday.

The Results Are In

Final diagnosis, Clear Cell Renal Cell Carcinoma. The doctor said the pathology report indicated they got all of it, he was confident that was the case and wants to follow up with me in 6 months. Good news...I guess.

As for the mass on my lung, results of the biopsy shows it is metastatic cancer from the kidney. I also found out there are THREE MASSES, not one as the lung surgeon had previously indicated. One on my right lung and two on the left. The original mass on my right lung is 5 cm by 3.5 cm in size (2 inches by 1.3 inches). The second mass on the left is smaller, 1 cm (0.5 inches). The third is very small, only 3 mm (0.1 inch) in size. Also there is some enlargement of some lymph nodes.  I'm being referred to an oncologist to deal with that. Treatment options will be the oncologist's call, but the kidney surgeon said the probable course will be oral chemotherapy and that surgery would most likely not be considered.

I looked up all the oral chemo drugs for lung cancer I could find and checked them out with my insurance provider. Yes, all but one are covered, but with high co-pays. I'm looking at about $100 per month at least. Hopefully the one that isn't covered won't be prescribed. That one would run almost $3000 a month.

Following up on the A1C results I mentioned in my previous post, the doctor says I did not receive any blood during the operation. The good results were all my own doing. Happy happy joy joy.

I spoke with my father a little while ago about my results and discovered that he has been the victim of the same sort. He had a CT scan done for some blood related problems a little over a year ago, a specialist was wanting to check out his spleen. Nothing was found and he's been taking B12 shots for the blood problems. 

After I told him about my doctors not mentioning a mass for 2 years, he got curious about his CT scan and requested a copy of the report from the hospital. Surprise! The report says there was a small spot on his kidney and followup was recommended. No followup was done, nothing about it was mentioned to him at the time. His family physician has scheduled a CT scan to take another look at the spot.

Take notice folks! Doctors are not infallible. They screw up. If you can get a copy of test results, be sure to get them and read them carefully. You might be surprised at what your doctor doesn't tell you.

Poppin' My Balloon

I had my quarterly check-up with my family physician today. I'd been sort of dreading it because my A1C level was pretty high last time. I've been watching my glucose levels a lot closer recently and guessed that it would probably be lower than my last check-up, but wasn't certain how low. Target for A1C is 7. Imagine my pride when the doctor popped into the exam room and announced my A1C was 6.8. 

Then he asked "how much blood did they give you during your kidney surgery?"

"I don't know," I answered, "I have a followup with the surgeon tomorrow and can find out."

"Do that," he replied, "this is probably the blood of somebody else."

A Tough Stick

One of the things I dread most about a visit to the hospital is having my blood drawn or getting an IV put in. I can tolerate the pain (usually) and I'm not afraid of needles. I've always been one of those people that phlebotomists hate to meet. I've been classified as a "tough stick." I've been told my veins are deep, that they roll, they collapse, they disappear. The lady on the Red Cross Bloodmobile told me to never come back. Sorry folks, it's no party having you stick me multiple times either. Once in a blue moon someone will hit the vein right away, but that's not the way it goes most of the time. The first try on the arm is usually not too bad. The second try digging around in the other arm is a little annoying, but still not extremely uncomfortable. But when they start searching the back of my hand and poking around on my knuckles I tend to get rather exasperated. I actually know someone with similar problems that endured...I'm not exaggerating here...THIRTY attempts to start an IV. I was happy to learn today that the normal OSU policy was to call in someone with an ultrasound device to find a good vein after two failed attempts.

As a side note, I have also noticed that hospital furniture is not built for comfort. Whether it's a patient's bed or a chair for the visitors, a relaxing experience is not in the cards. Laying on a thin blue plastic mattress for six hours straight brings the phrase "cruel and unusual punishment" to mind.

My biopsy went pretty much by the book today. A short delay while they found a vein for the IV, and some delays following the procedure due to some scheduling conflicts, but nothing out of the ordinary. I came out with just a band-aid stuck on my back that my wife has to check periodically for the next day or so to make sure I don't start bleeding out. Pathology results should be complete by Monday, but I won't find out what they are until I meet with my lung surgeon. No followup appointment has been scheduled yet, I'll be calling his office if I don't hear from them by Friday.

I missed my trip to the Twilight Zone. The drugs might have made me a little mellow but I was acutely aware of what was going on during the entire procedure. Darn...I was hoping for at least a little reverb and some video distortion effects.

Next Stop...

I'm traveling to another dimension, a dimension not only of health and sickness but of co-pays. A journey to a confusing land whose boundaries are only determined by insurance coverage. That's the signpost up ahead—my next stop, the Twilight Zone!

I'm scheduled for a biopsy of the mass on my lung this coming Tuesday. I always thought that biopsies were pretty quick and simple things, but apparently not with this one. I've been told that I'll be put under light sedation, not completely unconscious, just a "twilight" state between awake and asleep. It's being done by the radiology department and apparently will be using some sort of CT equipment to guide the biopsy needle. The whole thing is supposed to take an hour or two and I've been told to plan on spending up to 6 hours at the hospital. NPO after midnight (of course) and no driving following the procedure. Well, I'm impressed.

I received a survey packet in the mail today to rate my visit for last week's surgery. I probably should wait a little while and take one of the Percosets they gave me before I fill it out. If I did it right now, I'm pretty sure the envelope would catch fire before it got to the mailbox.

Another Screw Up

It's been week since I left the hospital and I haven't heard about the pathology results on my tumor. I figured the doctor's office probably wouldn't tell me the results over the phone, but it couldn't hurt to try so I gave them a call this afternoon. The girl on the phone confirmed that I'd have to wait until I saw the doctor for followup and then there was a long pause. My followup appointment for July 10th had been cancelled for some reason, she'd have to call me back.

A half hour later, she called back and said the nurse that dismissed me from the hospital told them I didn't want to come back to town for the appointment so she cancelled it. What?!?! I said no such thing!

After a bit of back and forth questioning, it turned out that there was a big misunderstanding. As I mentioned in a previous post, I had a bashful bladder and was unable to urinate immediately after they removed the catheter following the operation. They reinserted the catheter and told me to come back in three weeks to have it removed. THREE WEEKS!?! I didn't tell her I didn't want to followup with the surgeon, I just didn't want to wait that long to have a completely unnecessary catheter removed!  I had them make arrangements to have it removed by my local urologist in five days instead of twenty-one...still four days longer than I felt was necessary. But the understanding of the hospital nurse was that I didn't want to come back at all...hence the appointment cancellation.

So I rescheduled a followup today and guess what? It's a week earlier than originally scheduled! Instead of the 10th, I'm now scheduled for the 3rd. So what started out as a screw up ended up being to my benefit...so now I'm torn between being angry and happy.

I think I'll stay angry for a little while...

One More Scar

I'm feeling much better now that I've been freed from the ball and chain of the catheter bag. Still just a little sore and finding it hard to get comfortable when sleeping, but things are improving daily.

The headline on this post is a bit deceptive. Not just one new scar, four new ones actually. As I think I mentioned in previous posts, my surgery was laparoscopic, so there are three small scars about an inch or less in size and one about 12 inches long. That one would have been smaller, but they had to enlarge the incision to remove the entire tumor. All of the incisions were sealed shut with super glue, much neater than the one left over from my appendectomy. They all seem to be healing well, the glue came off of one of them and I've been having to put gauze dressings on it daily, but it seems to be doing fine. Very little drainage.

I'm supposed to be able to drive starting next week. I feel well enough to do it right now but probably won't be trying until the need arises.

I still haven't heard if the tumor was malignant, but from how the doctor described it to my wife, I can't imagine it not being so. I've scheduled have a biopsy done on the tumor on my lung this coming Tuesday. It sounds a bit more involved than I expected. I've been told it will take around 6 hours and I'll be put under light sedation while they do it.

One Down...

I'm back! Out of surgery and home recuperating. So now for all the details...

Showed up at the hospital as scheduled and went through all of the typical pre-op preparations. Met with the surgeon who marked my belly on the side he was going to operate on and answered a few questions on any allergic reactions from the anesthesiologist.

I must say, anesthesia has really improved over the years. I've been put under numerous times for various surgeries, going way back to when I was a little squirt getting my tonsils removed. They used ether back then...deep breaths and count backwards from 10. I think I made it to 8.  In later years I can remember going down dark tunnels as things around me faded to black. These days it's like flipping a light switch. One moment you're in the operating room, next you wake up in your room with lots of pain. My wife says I was loopy, trying to crack jokes that weren't really funny. I don't recall much of that, but it didn't seem to be a gradual waking up process to me.

They started with the daVinci robot, but as they got near to completing the operation they saw that the tumor was more invasive than they previously thought and sliced me open to take out the entire kidney. I ended up spending about 7 hours under the knife. I won't know if it was cancerous until the pathology comes back.

I've heard a lot of nice things about the hospital, but I must admit I wasn't greatly impressed. Things looked just a little bit dirty in the room. Housekeeping came in and all they did was empty the trash can. No sweeping up or anything and there was all sorts of detrius all over the floor.

So, they wanted to send me home the next afternoon. Out came the catheter...ouch! And I experienced some bashful bladder problems. Not the first time for me, I just can't seem to pee on demand sometimes. I once kept a surprise drug test technician at work waiting for 6 hours before I was able to perform. The hospital only gave me 4 hours...surprise, back in goes the catheter...ouch again! I got to come home with it and wait 5 more days to see my local urologist to check me out again.

They also needed to raise my magnesium level before I came home, so I got a last minute IV...which failed and puffed my hand up like a toad.

But the bottom line is, I'm home. Minus one tumor and a kidney. Percosets are my friend right now. I don't like taking pain medications, but I've decided to ignore my prejudices on the matter for the moment.

Still more followups with various doctors and a mass on my lung that needs to come out also, more to come as time marches on.

Relaxing

My kidney cancer surgery is tomorrow. I should be busy getting ready, but not yet. I'm taking the morning and chillin' out. I cleared out my recent e-mails this morning, posted a bunch of funny stuff on Twitter, and looked over recent comments from my Facebook friends. I'm trying not to worry too much. I think I'll play some video games after I finish posting this. Not a lot to do anyway. I hear they give you a nice robe to wear in the hospital, so I don't need to pack much in the way of clothing. I probably won't feel like reading, but I'm taking a book along anyway. I'm also charging up the Kindle, but doubt that I use that either. They gave me lots of pre-op instructions to follow. What medications to take, which ones not to take. I need to keep my blood glucose between 100 and 200 today. Packing my bi-pap and mask will have to wait until tomorrow morning. There are special shower instructions so I'm nice and antiseptic when I get there. Of course, NPO after midnight and make sure I bring the special "red envelope" they gave me.

The lung cancer surgeon was supposed to contact me after the CT scan was done. That was a week ago Monday. When I talked to him earlier, he indicated he might want to do a biopsy of the mass on my lung. The kidney cancer surgeon said the same thing, so I was figuring a biopsy was pretty much a sure thing. Since I'm going to be in the hospital tomorrow anyway, I thought it would be expedient for them to go ahead and do the biopsy while I was there. It would save me a 400 mile round trip and about $50 in gas also, not to mention another day wasted. I waited until seven days before this kidney surgery with no contact from the lung guy, so I called his office to suggest this idea. I got an answering service that promised to give my message to the doctor. Monday I called again. My message had not been received. Yes, they do want to do a biopsy, but scheduling one that soon might be difficult to fit in since it had to be done through the radiology people. They would see if it might be possible. Once the biopsy is done, it will be at least seven days before they get results back. What would you like to bet that I'll be making another trip for the biopsy?

No News Is...

...no news.

 I haven't posted anything for a few days, so I thought I'd hop in just to say "Hi!" Nothing's happening on the cancer front. My surgery is scheduled for this coming Wednesday, so I should have something to say once I'm able to get back online.

As for life in general, nothing much happening there either. I've been playing 500 Rummy with the wife and brother-in-law on a daily basis and getting my butt whipped pretty regularly. I'm not sure what I've changed in my playing strategy that's causing me to loose so often. I used to be a better player.

I haven't been entering many Photoshop contests lately either, none of the source images seem to inspire me very much. For those I have been entering, my efforts tend to end up near the bottom of the standings. An occasional win, but my percentage is way down.

I've found something new that has been keeping my brain active lately, #hashtagwars.  I shall attempt to explain for those of you who don't do Twitter.... At seemingly random intervals during the day, a theme is announced via Twitter message. It could be something like "#SweetMovies."  Following this, players try to come up with funny responses to the theme, including the hashtag #SweetMovies in their response. For example "Cloudy With a Chance of Sweet Rolls #SweetMovies." Challenging, fun, and usually a big laugh.

My 2002 Chevy Impala is starting to show it's age. I forgot to roll up the driver's side window the other day and had a really bad storm pass through. The next time I drove the car, the turn signal relay started clicking continuously. Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick... Thankfully it stopped once the interior of the car dried out, but it was certainly annoying for quite a while. The only other annoying problem with the car at the moment is that the windshield wipers are out of sync. They work fine, but when you turn them off, they point straight up instead of folding back down. It feels like you're driving through a set of football goalposts. I don't know where to begin telling about the problems with our other vehicle, a 1988 Chevy pickup...it's problems are legion.

Well, I seem to be rambling, so I'll get off of here. I will post again when there's something slightly more interesting to report.

The Countdown Begins

I got a call this morning, my surgery is scheduled for next Wednesday around noon. I've spent the morning calling family members to let them know and rescheduling a few preexisting appointments. The ball is finally starting to roll. Prayers, everyone!

Hold On Just a Little Bit Longer

Just got back from my multiple tests and meetings with doctors. Whew, I'm bushed!

First stop was with a new doctor, I'm not 100% sure but I think he's going to be the anesthesiologist for my upcoming surgery. Certainly a strange fellow, but in a nice way. Sort of a cross between Bill Nye and Ducky from NCIS with a little Felix Ungar tossed into the mix. He spent two hours going over my medical history with a fine tooth comb and scheduled an additional test on top of the two that were already scheduled.

Next stop was for a blood draw to check my digoxin level. That showed up a little lower than optimal, so they want to raise my dosage of Digoxin. I'll need to contact my cardiologist to have him adjust my prescription.

Then on to a different building for the CT and bone scans. Oops! Nope...not yet. Got sent to a third building to have an ultrasound done of my carotid arteries. That was the additional test that was added.

Back to the second building for the CT and bone scans...two hours later than they were originally scheduled for. I expected to be told that the scans would need to be rescheduled since I'd missed the appointments but was pleasantly surprised when they took it in stride and worked me right in with very little delay. There was some wait time for the contrast dye to work it's way through my system,  but otherwise everything was a lot faster than I thought it would be.

Finally on to the fourth building to meet with the kidney doctor who had already looked at the CT and bone scans by the time I got there. Bone scan was normal, no cancer. Yay!  The mass on my lung is larger than originally indicated. Boo! But there is only one mass there, not multiple masses. Yay! A biopsy is needed to see if it's cancerous. As for the mass on my kidney, it needs to come out. Since it's on the outside of my kidney and both of them are functioning normally, it should be a minor thing to go in and snip it out with very little of the kidney needing to be removed. I'm supposed to hear tomorrow on when laparoscopic surgery can be scheduled.

So then end result of today's activities is that things are starting to move forward, I just have to wait just a little bit longer.

NPO After Midnight

Tomorrow is looking like a busy day. Nothing to eat after midnight tonight, leave before dawn to be able to get to the doctor's office by 7 in the morning. First part of the CT scan starts at 9, bone scan at 11, back to finish the CT scan at 2 in the afternoon, back to the doctor's office at 3, and then a 2 hour drive home. I should have something more to be able to tell people when I get home. My mobile is a "dumb phone" so no tweets or posts until I get back late tomorrow.

I had a small incident last night, doing okay now though. I was getting a glass of water before bed and noticed a smear of red on the kitchen floor. It looked like strawberry jelly or something. It didn't really register with me mentally, I was kind of tired and I just thought "Huh...I wonder what that is?" I went into the TV room, sat down in my chair, and noticed a big dark spot on my house slipper. Again, it didn't register. I wondered what I might have stepped in or spilled that might have made the spot. Kicking my slippers off I found my right foot was covered in a LOT of blood. That got my attention. I'm not sure exactly what or how it happened, but I discovered a small cut between my toes. As my dad would say, I was bleeding like a stuck pig. I have some diabetic nerve damage in my feet, so I don't always feel stuff like that. Add to that the fact that I'm on blood thinners, so cuts tend to bleed more than normal. A piece of sterile gauze and some adhesive tape helped to stanch the flow and this morning all was fine.  It was a bit of a scare at the time though.

Hello Kidney

Another Office Visit

Just a quick note regarding today's office visit with the lung cancer surgeon. Exactly what I expected, which was nothing of consequence. Get my medical history, take my vitals, short chat with the doctor which amounted to "we need to wait until we get the test results," and out the door.  He was rather upbeat about the whole thing which encouraged me a little more. Needing to find out if this is a single tumor or one of several. I've had quite a few chest x-rays over the last couple of years and none of them showed anything, so I'm hoping that this is the only one (except for the one on my kidney of course). CT scan and full-body bone scans are coming up Monday and I meet with the kidney cancer surgeon that afternoon, so I'm expecting the pace to pick up soon. Once again, thanks to everyone who has been praying for me. The cards are encouraging as well. I love you guys!

Kick Cancer's Ass

Meeting with the lung cancer surgeon tomorrow. Don't know what's going to happen for certain, but I'm suspecting it'll be just a preliminary evaluation meeting and maybe a slight chance that a biopsy might be taken. He'll probably want to wait until the CT and bone scans are done next Monday.

I've been sort of mulling over what might be down the road in the future. One thing I haven't thought much about is money. Yeah, I have health insurance, but I think it only pays about 80% after my deductible is met. With major surgery and the possibility of chemo and/or radiation therapy down the road, things could get pretty expensive quickly.

I've been following the blogs and Twitter accounts of several folks who are fighting cancer and some of them are doing some aggressive fundraising things of various sorts.  In the back of my head I've been kicking around the idea of silicone bracelets with something like "Kick Cancer's Ass" printed on them. I don't know...just thinking out loud.

Samoas to the Rescue!

I don’t remember how long it’s been since the Girl Scouts were selling cookies, but it’s been a while. We were approached after morning church services today and advised that there were still a couple of boxes of unclaimed cookies that my daughter-in-law had ordered way back when. No problem, we made arrangements to pick them up at evening services. I thought to myself “I hope they’re not Samoas. I hate Samoas.”

Just before leaving for the evening service, I checked my glucose level and noted that it was unusually high…so I gave myself a shot of insulin, a bit higher than my usual dose.

We arrived at church and got the cookies, Samoas, of course. Following the worship service, we had a special showing of a movie that was based on a book that had been written by one of our church members so we stayed later than usual. About fifteen minutes into the movie I started sweating and feeling light-headed, a sure sign that my glucose level is going low. I had apparently given myself too much insulin. So…about 10 stale Samoas later, I started feeling somewhat better. I’m not sure how low it went, but two hours later when I got home it was only 101 which is base-line normal. After that many cookies, it would usually be way over 200. I’m guessing it was probably down into the low 50’s.

Normally I would not have had something handy with enough carbs to bring my glucose level back up so quickly. Some folks might say “coincidence,” but I don’t look at it like that. God knew I would need something and made provisions for it to be there when I needed it. 

But why Samoas, God? Ick!

Be Prepared

I spent much of this afternoon getting some things ready ahead of time for our church bulletin. I normally crank out a puzzle for every issue the night before I print them, but there's a pretty good chance I might not be able to do that for a while. I also schedule people to serve during worship services, so that needs to be done ahead of time as well.

I've got the people scheduling completed all the way to the end of the year, but the puzzles are going much slower. I'm only five weeks ahead right now. I figure I need to create twenty-four more puzzles to stretch to the new year. That's going to take a while since each puzzle takes about an hour to create.

There are so many other things I need to think about as well. We tend to forget that nobody lives forever and let important stuff slide. There are things that my family needs to know if I'm no longer around. I'm not planning to go any time soon, but the chances that happening have certainly increased. And its as good a time as any to start gathering all those important papers, deeds, vehicle titles, insurance policies, etc., together in one place. I hope I can find them all.

Another thing I need to look for is the paperwork for the riding lawnmower I purchased earlier this year. We've only cut the grass three times this year and suddenly the blade won't engage. The drive belt has probably slipped off a pulley. Not a big deal, but something like that shouldn't have happened this quickly. Not a good omen for this mower's future. It's starting to look like I made a wise choice in purchasing a service contract for it. If I recall correctly, there was a lemon clause in it. Four major service calls and they have to swap you for a new mower. I hope it doesn't come to that.

As for my health, I'm still feeling pretty good physically. My vitals (BP, pulse, O2 saturation, etc.) are all doing better than usual. The only thing that has been way out of normal range is my glucose level...but that almost always runs high. I need to be more proactive about that. It all boils down to too many carbs. Mentally, I'm sort of on autopilot. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, trying not to be too grumpy.

Nine days until I see the lung guy.

Stupid cancer.

Seeing the Lung Guy

I received a fat envelope in the mail today from the doctor I've been referred to about the mass on my lung. Enclosed was a note about an appointment that has been scheduled for me and another set of medical history forms to fill out. The appointment is 5 days before I'm scheduled to have the CT and bone scans done, so I'm not sure if that's good or not.  Guess I'll just have to wait and see. Oh, don't forget another 250 mile round trip to squeeze some more bucks out of my budget.

I wish doctors and hospitals could get together and standardize their medical history forms. This new one is ten pages of the same information I've already filled out at least 5 times already. Name, address, SSN, insurance info, medication list, diseases and symptoms, list of recent surgeries, et cetera, ad nauseum. Both of these doctors work out of the same hospital. This is time consuming and tedious stuff that could be made a lot simpler with some sort of universal form. I wouldn't mind filling out twenty pages if I only had to do it once.

Eleven days to go before this new appointment, sixteen days before the scans. Sooner or later somebody is going to give me some answers that don't include the words "I'm not completely certain, but..."  If they don't want a patient going postal on them, they had better shift into high gear after these upcoming appointments.

Screw Cancer

I Don't Understand

I got the impersonal e-mail from the imaging lab telling me I might have cancer the first week of April.  I waited two weeks to see the doctor. The doctor confirmed it might be cancer and said he was sending me to a kidney guy. I waited three weeks to see the new guy. He backed up what the first doctor told me and said I needed to have more tests done...in four weeks. What's with the waiting!?!? I really don't understand why every step of the process has to be three or four weeks away.

I'm following the twitter accounts of some other folks who are in the process of fighting cancers of various sorts. It's mainly to see what kind of things I might be dealing with in the future. I was reading the tweets from one lady dealing with aggressive breast cancer. She was diagnosed about the same time I got my news from the imaging lab. Her treatment started less than two weeks after the first hint of cancer and she is already dealing with her third round of chemotherapy. I don't understand why I'm having to wait. It's very frustrating.

As for me right now, I'm physically feeling okay. Still a few pains in the hip and such now and then, but nothing major. If I felt this good earlier I probably wouldn't have gone to the doctor about it. Mentally, I'm in a foggy gray funk. Not really depressed, but not especially joyful either. Just sort of putting one foot in front of the other and get through each day as best as I can. With no definitive diagnosis, I really don't know what to think. Like I wondered about in a previous post...do I have a good chance of living another 10 to 20 years or do I have 6 months at most? It's probably somewhere between those two extremes, but not having any inkling of how severe this thing is really pisses me off. I don't understand why there isn't some solid piece of information I can grab onto for some stability.

I want to thank everyone that has taken the time to say they're praying for me or have sent cards of encouragement. It means a lot. It helps me get through the day.

It's not fair!

It could be worse

The visit to the specialist went okay I suppose. There is a small chance that the two masses might be non-cancerous, but the likelihood of at least one of them being malignant is pretty high. They can't tell anything except the masses are there from the CT and MRI scans.

The kidney mass is external to the kidney, attached to it by a little stem. It should be easy to remove. Depending on if it's cancerous or not will determine whether part or all of the kidney comes out also.

The doctor appeared to be more concerned about the mass in my lung. It is only partially visible on the scans, so they don't know how big it actually is. A more comprehensive CT scan and a full body bone scan is now on tap for 4 weeks from now, along with a visit with a anesthesiologist.

Yeah, I said 4 weeks. More waiting and worrying. I was really exasperated that I'd have to wait that long until I saw a story online about a guy with stage 4 renal cancer that the VA won't even start talking to for 6 months. So I suppose it could be worse.

Also in the news, my wife suffered a perforated ulcer last year, a complication from her bariatric surgery.  She's scheduled for some sort of "scope" exam in two weeks to to see how it's healing. A possibility of surgery looming on the horizon there that might conflict with my kidney appointments. I guess we'll just have to deal with any conflicts as they pop up.

Having a chat

Tomorrow's the day. I'm understandably nervous about what I'm going to find out, the tension is growing. Prayers please!

I had a short chat with someone at church this morning who was diagnosed with myeloma a couple of years ago. He has had a significant recovery but is still not out of the woods yet. He gave me some very interesting thoughts to chew on regarding his spiritual and mental coping with the disease. I may need to reevaluate my attitude towards this thing. He also offered to loan me a book that helped him through, I'm looking forward to reading it.

♪♫ Tomorrow, tomorrow, the sun will come out tomorrow...

Reconnecting

I attended a little family reunion today. I got a chance to see some uncles, aunts and cousins that I haven't seen in a long time. I enjoyed talking with the cousins I played with on my grandparents farm so many years ago, thinking about the good ol' days. So many times we only see each other when someone has passed away, it was nice to get together on a happier occasion. We've all gotten older and some of us a little wiser, others not so much. Looking through stacks of old photographs of relatives, many, many happy memories. Good food, lots of smiles and laughter. I like that.

I suppose it's a bit morbid to think that this might have been the last time I see some of them on this side of the grass, but it was on my mind. Being the day before Mother's Day, I stopped by my Mom's grave to pay my respects. It's hard to express my feelings about that, I'm not sure myself exactly how I feel except to say there's a sadness that doesn't want to go away. I find myself thinking more and more about life and death lately and I'm a little uneasy about the prospects ahead, yet strangely I'm comfortable with it too.

Angels and Devils

Well, the day I meet with the kidney cancer doctor is getting closer. It's about three and a half days now. Still just sitting around not doing a whole lot of anything. Went down to my cardiologist's office today and got a printout of his patient records for me. It's mostly just office visit notes, nothing of any significant interest. I also dropped by the hospital imaging department and requested a few additional things that probably aren't critical. Their person that does that wasn't there today, I can probably pick up the disk some time tomorrow.

I'm also working on finding someone to take over doing a task I've been doing on a weekly basis for about 30 years now. Our weekly church bulletin has been a labor of love for nearly as long as I've been attending there. I hate to think I'll be giving it up completely, but I don't know what's down the road for me in the weeks ahead. It's best that somebody else knows how to keep it going.

I think the hardest thing right now is just not knowing the seriousness of this whole thing. I mean, I know there's a 8.5 cm mass on my kidney, so it IS serious. There's also a 4 cm mass in my lung. I'm thinking that means it's metastasized...also serious. Lymph nodes are to some extent enlarged; more evidence of metastasis. Based on my online searching for more information, I have the feeling that it's at stage 4. My searches also seem to indicate that the 5 year survival rate for stage 4 renal cell carcinoma is only 5 to 15%. That, in my opinion, sucks. Major suck. But, again, that's just my layman's opinion. I'm not a doctor, so in the back of my mind I'm hoping that I've been looking at this all wrong.

You've seen the old cartoons of someone torn between two decisions. An angel sitting on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Both are whispering in their ear. Right now the angel is whispering in one ear saying, "No problem. They'll cut this thing out and you'll be back to normal in a week." On the other shoulder, the little devil is saying, "Give it up, pal. They're gonna take a look inside and just sew you back up. You've got two or three weeks tops."

Waiting and not knowing is torture.

The Wet & Wild Weekend Begins

Our house was built in a time when outdoor toilets were normal. For that reason, the bathroom was added about 60 years later. I'm not saying he is incompetent, but the guy who plumbed it trained under Rube Goldberg. The main water supply line runs up the corner of the kitchen and across the ceiling. Pipes pop in and out of the walls and one just terminates with no destination. Two pipes for the upstairs bathroom run across the back wall at a 45 degree angle on their way up. So when the fresh water supply line for our toilet sprung a leak, I thought, "Here we go again..."  I spent a good 15 minutes last night with a metal rod and a hammer, tapping against the shutoff valve handle to get it to close. Truth. It's a PVC gate valve with flat ears on each side that is wedged between the water heater and the wall. The space is so cramped that you can't get enough leverage to turn it with your hand. Thus the rod and hammer treatment.

I spent the morning calling every plumber in the phone book. It's the weekend, so I didn't expect any enthusiastic responses. I wasn't disappointed. The first one can't make it until Tuesday. The next one sounded like he was still recuperating from last night's pub crawl and mumbled some incoherent stuff about not working weekends, but he'd call me right back. That was two hours ago. Most of the rest went to answering machines. In desperation I sent out a plea on Facebook for assistance...I don't plan to call the original plumber unless a sinkhole starts developing under the house.

The plumber in question is a local handyman.  He means well, and will eventually get whatever you ask him to repair working again, but not without some unusual quirks or related side effects. He does auto and lawn mower repair, carpentry, plumbing, and is willing to tackle just about anything you ask him to do. He just doesn't do it well. Jack of all trades, master of none. Need a ceiling fan installed? No problem. Just don't expect it not to wobble when you turn it on. Need a guest room added on? Sure. Just ignore that window on an inside wall. The main electric breaker box has labels that read something like "Oven, Water Heater, Rest of the house." The most commonly used phrase around here is "Here's what he fixed and here's what's still wrong with it..."

 Update: It appears that word got back to the handyman that I mentioned him in my blog and he was offended. I admit that I was rather harsh and I apologize for that. I actually appreciate the work he has done over the years. I exaggerated his lack expertise in the attempt to get a few laughs at his expense. I'm sorry for that.

Somebody Knew About It!

Okay, so I'm sitting around with nothing to do but think about this 8.5 cm mass growing in my belly, waiting to see the specialist in ten days. Naturally my thoughts turn to my past medical history; I've had several serious incidents over the past several years. Heart bypass, broken leg, appendectomy, heart ablation, blah, blah, blah...I could go on for quite a while longer. I've been poked, prodded, drugged, cut open, sewn shut, laparoscoped, wore a wound-vac for 4 months, scanned, x-rayed, you name it. It occurred to me that, with all of these different people looking around inside me for going on 14 years now, somebody should have spotted this thing a lot earlier.

The specialist requested the CT and MRI scan images and reports for my recent stuff and I have already obtained those for him. Yesterday afternoon, since I was in the neighborhood, I stopped by my family doctor's office and requested the official records for a couple of the older incidents that affected nearby areas of my body. Specifically, the appendectomy in 2012 and a gall bladder removal in 2013.

Expecting a long wait for a flunky to photocopy files for me, I was pleasantly surprised when the girl at the desk clicked a few keys on her computer and the printer spit out a pile of scanned documents. It took only a couple of minutes. Walking back to my car, I sat down and took a look at the stack of paperwork I had been handed.

On the top of the stack was a summary of the CT scan done for my appendectomy. First page, middle of the page, "an isodense right sided exophytic renal lesion arising from the inferior pole the right kidney measuring 4.8 cm..."  Nearly the exact language used in my most recent CT scan except it's now grown to 8.5 cm. Someone spotted this thing nearly two years ago when it was half the size it is now!

As I read through the document, it was referred to as a mass or a lesion, and on page 3 in the doctor's notes, he speculates it might be a hemorrhagic or proteinaceous cyst. No references that even hint it might be cancerous. Post operative notes fail to mention anything at all. Did he even look at it while he was rooting around in my guts? It doesn't appear so.

While I'm slightly encouraged by a lack of the "C" word in this earlier scan, I'm perturbed that nobody felt it was important enough to say "Hey, by the way, you've got a big growth on your kidney that might give you some trouble down the way."

The most recent scan specifically suggests cancer, so I'm not out of the woods but maybe there's an outside chance....

Who knows? Keep prayin' people, you do a world of good.

Mind Numbing Boredom

Sitting around the house waiting, can't concentrate on anything productive. I tried reading a book by one of my favorite authors but can't plow through more than a chapter or two. I'm reduced to playing mindless video games and taking long naps.

At least tomorrow I have a couple excuses to get out of the house. I need to drive my brother-in-law and my wife to their respective doctor's appointments. Just routine check-ups, nothing serious.

As for me, I'm feeling somewhat better. The doctor at urgent care diagnosed my ailment as sinusitis and prescribed a course of antihistamine and antibiotics.  Still have a lot of drainage and have been sneezing some, but I'm feeling about halfway normal now.

You'd figure that with this thing I'm going through I might have some deep, inspirational, thought-provoking things to say. Nope. Not yet, anyway. I'm just zoned out right now. As the post title indicates, my mind is numb.

It could be worse...

Achoo!

I haven't given up on this blog, I've just been sick for the last three days. I've picked up some sort of head cold that has me feeling pretty miserable. I'm planning to go to urgent care tomorrow morning to see if I can't whip this thing before I meet the cancer surgeon in two weeks.

Not much going on otherwise, just sitting around and waiting for May 12th to get here. I'll be back to blog some more after I start feeling a little better.

The Enemy Within

“Anger can be quite rewarding…at least for those of us who have the option of blasting our enemies to oblivion.”   
 - M.A. George, Relativity


I'm back from visiting the doctor that ordered the MRI I had done on Monday. While I was downtown I took the time to drop by the hospital imaging lab and picked up a disk with both the CT and MRI scan images on it along with the written reports. I'm not an expert on evaluating these things, but the doctors pointed out the major area of concern. I have now seen my enemy and am angry. Hopefully I will have the option of blasting it to oblivion. Only time will tell.

Running In Place

It looks like I'm in another "hurry up and wait" cycle. My appointment to meet with the specialist who (hopefully) is going to cut this thing out of me is still two and a half weeks away. If past experience with new doctors is any gauge of how the meeting will go, I expect to be herded around for another week of blood tests, urine tests, scans and probings before anything gets done.

I meet with the doctor who ordered the MRI this afternoon to find out the results. I also need to get copies of both the CT scan and the MRI from the hospital imaging lab to take with me to the specialist.

While I'm out today I also plan to get the oil changed on my car, pick up some antihistamine for my wife (she's caught a really bad cold), food for the new dog, and a few other incidentals. I also need to stop by a friend's house and do a little maintenance on his computer.

It sort of feels just a bit odd, doing mundane stuff like that. Life goes on even when something like cancer is feeding on you. I realize that's normal, but something in the back of my mind keeps whispering that the entire world needs to come to a screeching halt and pay attention to my problem. Not gonna happen, I know. Everyone has their own set of problems to deal with, I'm not the center of their universe. But every now and then I just want to stop and scream "UNFAIR!" as loudly as I can.

Well, I seem to be rambling...time to get ready to go see the doctor.