Hillbilly 10 Commandments

I stumbled across this today and got a laugh out of it. I thought it was mildly humorous, so I'm passing it along for what it's worth...slightly edited for overly offensive verbage.

---

The Hillbilly Ten Commandments

1. Don’t read the horoscopes ‘cuz they’re based on the planets, like Jupiter and Mars and those other fellers and heathens and jezebels that were fake gods in that there mythology so if you read your horoscope it’s just like worshippin’ fake gods not real ones like me, ‘cuz I’m the one and only God. So don’t do that, ya’ll.


2. Don’t worship nothin’ that ya carved outta wood—even tho’ that there seven foot pine tree bear carvin’ that ya made with yer chainsaw is pretty darn impressive.


3. Don’t say my name as a cuss word even if ya did just smash yer thumb all to bits with a ball peen hammer, ‘cuz that ain’t right, usin’ my name like ‘at an’ all.


4. Go to church ever’ Sunday like yer s’pposed to, unless it’s Super Bowl Sunday; ‘cuz even the preacher ain’t gonna be at the church on Super Bowl Sunday. Oh, an’ don’t work on Sunday either, unless yer scheduled for that shift or ya need the overtime real bad.


5. Be good to yer Mama an’ Daddy — even if yer Mama is a drunk an’ yer Daddy is a jailbird. Just be glad yer Mama didn’t abort ya an’ yer Daddy didn’t let her take ya down to the dump an’ leave yer cryin’ butt there like she wanted to.


6. Don’t kill nobody unless it’s a huntin’ accident or you’re protectin’ yer property.


7. Don’t cheat on yer wife even if she did git all fat an’ ugly. You shoulda known she’d turn out that way—just look at her Mama.


8. Don’t take nothin’, ‘cept fer little thangs like them free pens an’ refrigerator magnets from the bank an’ the grocery store an’ whatnot.


9. Don’t lie ‘bout nothin’ or nobody unless it makes fer really good gossip or you’re tellin’ a huntin’ story an’ you’re sure ya ain’t gonna git caught (or if yer wife asks ya if she looks fat in her new hot pink polyester pantsuit—you’d best better lie your butt off, then).


10. Don’t want nothin’ just ‘cuz somebody else bought somethin’ ya like a whole bunch — just borrow it and fergit to return it.