Wednesday, May 21, 2014

I Don't Understand

I got the impersonal e-mail from the imaging lab telling me I might have cancer the first week of April.  I waited two weeks to see the doctor. The doctor confirmed it might be cancer and said he was sending me to a kidney guy. I waited three weeks to see the new guy. He backed up what the first doctor told me and said I needed to have more tests four weeks. What's with the waiting!?!? I really don't understand why every step of the process has to be three or four weeks away.

I'm following the twitter accounts of some other folks who are in the process of fighting cancers of various sorts. It's mainly to see what kind of things I might be dealing with in the future. I was reading the tweets from one lady dealing with aggressive breast cancer. She was diagnosed about the same time I got my news from the imaging lab. Her treatment started less than two weeks after the first hint of cancer and she is already dealing with her third round of chemotherapy. I don't understand why I'm having to wait. It's very frustrating.

As for me right now, I'm physically feeling okay. Still a few pains in the hip and such now and then, but nothing major. If I felt this good earlier I probably wouldn't have gone to the doctor about it. Mentally, I'm in a foggy gray funk. Not really depressed, but not especially joyful either. Just sort of putting one foot in front of the other and get through each day as best as I can. With no definitive diagnosis, I really don't know what to think. Like I wondered about in a previous I have a good chance of living another 10 to 20 years or do I have 6 months at most? It's probably somewhere between those two extremes, but not having any inkling of how severe this thing is really pisses me off. I don't understand why there isn't some solid piece of information I can grab onto for some stability.

I want to thank everyone that has taken the time to say they're praying for me or have sent cards of encouragement. It means a lot. It helps me get through the day.

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